The Death of Lady Vampré
Written and Created by: Bruce Schoengood
Pencils by: Dave Gutierrez
Inks by: M.A. Moussa
Colors by: Fred Galpern
Letters by: Harvey Hirsh
Front cover by: Mike Mignola & Fred Galpern

So I read a horror comic for today that suggests perhaps vampires were involved in the American Civil War.

Um, yeah, that’s what I said. And yeah, it’s a comic that’s thus totally fictitious but…really?

Okay, so we’re introduced to Lady Vampré who is a vampire that drops in on a wedding unannounced and kills everyone in the church and except for the groom whom I think she has foul intentions for after the ceremony (and yeah, she even kills the bride, for shame). But we get a small background on the vampiress after we see the shocking, bloody scene from the chapel.

Elizabeth Vampré is a virgin in 1862 who is stoked for her wedding night since she’s waited so long for her hubby to give herself to. But as she goes to the bedchamber, she discovers a woman vampire has killed her husband and then takes Elizabeth to the head vampire guy who apparently wants Elizabeth because she looks just like a past lover he’d had.

Anyways, the head vampire guy turns out to be a general in the Civil War. Elizabeth becomes his new bride/vampire woman. She’s even present when the vampire general goes to a play with President Lincoln. You can kinda guess what happens. Someone finds out that vampires are trying to take over the government and that someone is John Wilkes Booth. Booth tries to assassinate the vampire general but of course, being a vampire, the bullet goes right through him and hits the President. Thanks a lot, Booth.

I didn’t really know what to think about this comic. It’s kinda funny really. But it’s also kind of weird. I’m not a huge fan of vampires but I think it could be cool if they existed. It would suck though to live forever. Like in Highlander (yes, I used to watch those kick-ass movies), they make it seem like living forever would actually be really bad because everyone you loved would eventually die and you’d be left alone.

I think for that reason I’d rather not live forever. I don’t think I could go through everyone I know and love dying and then having to find new people to love who would just end up dying too. It’d be way too hard. But some people could probably handle it. I don’t know who. You couldn’t ever be famous because people would catch on. So that would suck even more because you would not only lose everyone you’ve ever known at some point, but you’d also have to be a nobody. But hey, I’m a nobody and it suits me just fine.

But if I was immortal, I’d damn sure want everyone to know it. Then no one could mess with me because they’d know it’d be pointless. Wanna kick my immortal ass? Just try it. I’ll laugh at your funeral.